Having seen many examples of parenting including in my own house over the years, I have understood it thoroughly that how important it is to have a positive relationship with your kids. You might not realize it, but having a not-so-good relationship with a parent can damage a person mentally-so much so that they might always struggle to maintain healthy relationships for rest of their lives. Although, this might not be the case always-it depends on how strong the kid is internally and how well can he/she protect herself from the toxic environment at home.
Don’t misunderstand me. I know that parents are humans too and as humans, they are totally allowed to make mistakes. But you are doing wrong if you are not rectifying your mistakes just because you are a parent and your ego doesn’t allow you to say sorry to your kids. Here are some pain points and some nice ones that I saw around myself as a kid, the effect it had on my psyche and how to deal with the same situation with your kids if you were not aware of it till now.
Never! I repeat Never use any kind of abusive language in front of your kids for anyone. It doesn’t only refer to abuses but also to calling your kids or any other human names- idiot, duffer etc. Don’t belittle others in front of them.When we see a parent use these kind of words for anyone it makes us doubt if there are good people or goodness left in the world. Parents are the first mentors we look upto and hearing such words from them plant the seed of distrust in a child. They will either stop listening to you because your speech is contaminated or they will start doing it too and trust me, you will be heartbroken if someday they decided to talk back.
Be their Diary
Here I would like to thank my mom for doing such a wonderful job with me- I have never met or seen a more perfect parent. She never forced her thoughts and opinions on me, congratulated me on my smallest achievements, told me that she always believes in my capabilities. Your trust is the best thing that you can gift to your child-tell them that you trust them and you won’t need to apply any restrictions ever. They will automatically tell you what’s new in their lives. My mom knows everything about my whereabouts- I have never lied to her because I never needed to. From hanging out with friends to movie dates she knew about it all, In return I never betrayed her trust by doing something that I knew she would not approve of.
My friend’s dad on the other hand made a huge issue when he saw her with a guy friend once, who was just walking with her on the way home. She tried telling him that they were just friends, but he verbally attacked her character. Result? She rarely shared anything with her family and mostly lied whenever the group included guy friends.
Create an environment where your kids can talk to you. Please understand that times are changing-the more you put pressure on them to live life like the way you did yours the more they will distant themselves from you. You can never make them obey you by forcing your opinions on them or by being harsh with them.
How to make them listen
If you yourself are not doing the things you ask them to follow then any kind of transformation won’t be happening. You can’t remain aggressive or in a bad temper and shout on your kid for throwing tantrums. You can’t disrespect the people around you and expect your kid to behave any different. Kids imitate their parents. Especially young kids. If you want them to read then read while they are around. Always be respectful to the people around you, similarly follow a healthy morning routine or help your spouse in the kitchen. My dad cooks better than my mom 😛Watching you doing these things will inspire your kids while on the other hand criticizing them for doing things that you do too will only confuse them if they are too young; or will make you a hypocrite in their eyes if they are teenagers or young adults. The only way is to lead by example.
Don’t go too far
There is a limit to everything. Coaxing and Punishment both should be done in limit. I knew a topper classmate once whose dad kept Taunting her for scoring less in an Entrance examination. This went on for four years and completely damaged the relationship. Whenever this girl took an entrance test, she unnecessarily took extra pressure on her shoulders and she started losing faith in herself. Constant nagging or constant comparison is of no use when your kid is suffering due to it. How would you feel if they started comparing you to Tata or Ambani? They also started from middle class families and made it big, didn’t they? Would you like to be reminded that you couldn’t be a billionaire?
If your kid is struggling hard to make a life for themselves then trust me, they will succeed. Sooner or later hardwork gets rewarded. Just let them do it peacefully.
Awkward talks- Sex!
Yup! I am talking about ‘that’. When they come of age, tell them that they can ask you stuff they would want to know. Trust me when I tell you that it’s a Thousand times better than getting to know it from friends, who don’t know any better anyway. When I came to know about it I asked my mom and she did tell me. The result-I never got blindsided by it the way my friends did. If your kid comes to know about it by watching internet and listening to friends then what they are learning isn’t an expression of love but purely artificial way of commercial lust. Also, flying solo is completely natural even a biological need and it’s the best and safest way to release the naturally built sexual tension. So your teenage-young adults need some time alone in their rooms. Don’t insist on keeping doors open all the time.
Please note that it doesn’t mean that it’s always the case. I, being a private person close my doors even if I want to write or meditate. My point being- don’t be judgemental.
It was your choice
Your kid didn’t ask to be born. It was your concious choice. So fulfilling their basic needs is your responsibility which you should have thought about before planning a child. Having a kid then making them regret on how their existence is causing the sacrifices of your dreams is only going to make them think that their existence is a mistake. Which brings to say that don’t have kids only because everyone is having them. Have them when you want to be a parent.
Expectations are fine as long as they are encouraging. But over expectations have negative impact. They make your kids set high expectations for themselves. And failing in their ownexpectation make them lose faith in everything and specially themselves. A person becomes useless if he loses faith in himself.
Similarly Don’t let your kids expect things from you that are out of your reach. Be open about how much you earn and what you can afford. Education and health are the only exceptions when you should cross your means for your kids .
Your kids are Individuals
Look at your hand. You’ll see that five fingers aren’t equal. Similarly, your kid is a unique and different individual. He/She isn’t you or anyone else. So please keep in mind that if XYZ’s daughter has cracked UPSC in her first attempt then it doesn’t mean that your kid will too. If you never hung out with your girl/boyfriends then it doesn’t mean that your kid won’t. Your first job was a high-paying one, it doesn’t mean the same will Happen with your kid. Everyone has their own capabilities.
To summarize : A parent’s job is not only to tell their child that how the world is, but it’s also to lead them by example that how the world should be.
Mom.and Dad you love us in your own way and you both are perfect parents.❤ We love you both equally and more than anything else.
Again, thank you so much for clicking the support button, I will try to use it during the lockdown period for poor. Shout-outs coming soon for the os.me heros. Please accept my sincere thanks for helping me feed more.❤