Like many people of the marriageable age, currently I am going through that typical arranged marriage set up where you see people and try to find “the one” for yourself. After a while, I got to know this one person with whom there was an instant connect and we both were kind of into it. At least I know I was.
Then we decided to get the families involved. My family was fine with everything, but from his side, someone had an issue with my body structure. The words which were used were ‘she is too weak I think she is unhealthy’. I was disillusioned and I didn’t really believe that this can be a reason for cancellation of an alliance because even though I look thin I am perfectly fit. I go for long run in the morning and eat predominantly healthy food. I am very particular about what I eat.
However, as the days are passing, I am realising a few things about myself: how I get attached to people rather fast and then my emotions do the decision making for me, the logical part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, completely shuts down when we allow our emotions to overwhelm us. Although in this case I was still in the process of liking the person, I got attached a little too fast and then felt disheartened even faster.
When we lack something inside of us emotionally, psychologically or spiritually, only then we look for outside people to fill that void, so the search is always internal the struggle is always internal.
In this case, I should ideally be thinking only two things: first, do I want to change my body structure to look maybe more aesthetically appealing? If yes, then I should just work on that. If not: If it doesn’t matter to me all that much, then I should just be able to respect the other person’s opinion and move ahead with my life. But mind will visit and revisit all the conversations that happened and will keep telling me what could have, should have or would have been done.
Sometimes we end up trapping ourselves in the past, especially when the event is still fresh. I don’t need to drown myself in the sea of memories and expectations.
I realise that whenever we come across this kind of situation, let’s say we meet someone we really like then the amount of reality and the amount of dreams which we build inside our mind is highly disproportionate based on what we see at first glance. We build this entire ‘dream future’ in our mind that “ok if I am with this person then this is what the future will look like”. And then when things fall apart the sadness is not just for what actually happened, it is mostly about what we built as a ‘dream castle’. And the dream castle that gets shattered. If you think logically then this dream castle has no basis in reality.
There is no guarantee that dream was actually going to fructify even if we were to end up with the same person.
I sometimes feel very empathetic and a little bit sad for all of us, for having the human condition. Why is it that this little child living inside of us which we call as the mind becomes a constant source of torture? Yes, we can read and write and see videos on the subject: How to Tame The Mind, How to Calm the Mind.
But sometimes I feel that these tendencies are so innate that it is very hard to control them. In fact, it becomes a daily struggle. The more I see it within me, the more compassion I feel for people around me because we all have these internal battles sometimes it feels like a constant ‘sur asura sangram’ going on inside of us.
Please feel free to reach out for any troublesome situation. I’ll be more than happy to assist both inside and outside of this forum.