I had struggled with the same issues which have spoken about in the previous posts for about an year when I give my first competitive exam. In past year I had spent most of my days buried in worry and anxiety, struggling with my addiction, not being able to talk about it with anyone not even knowing that talking about it can actually hell. Living like a prisoner in my own head whatever little study I managed to do did not get me through the exam. I scored well overall but not well enough to get a government job which is quite tricky in India. Then one day realised in the evening that today is supposed to be another exam of mine. Did I just made some major deadline for an exam which I had to give? how could I do that ? I looked at the calender I realised I’d really missed it and still went to the examination centre in desperation that maybe they will let me in at least I will write half the exam. I am the kind of person who if somebody is asking for one documentation I will keep at least two, will keep tabs on all timelines . I had always been sincere about these things and never forget anything in my entire life. To some extent I was not really sad that I missed it because in my head I was already doomed I thought that I am supposed to fail because I am a failure. I am nobody. I used to make big stories about how my colleagues and my peers who got good jobs during graduation and were doing well in their lives now would think about me. How they will laugh at me behind my back and then I thought to myself that “of course they will laugh this is what I deserve” sometimes I would ask myself -” how did I get here? how did I transition from being an excellent student throughout my academic life always landing in the top 3 to a person who has no prospects whatsoever and is stuck at home living like a prisoner full of guilt shame and dirt. I always wanted to hide behind the curtain lest someone should see how dirty and filthy I was. I was constantly fearful so much so that I didn’t even consider myself worthy enough to go out in the crowd or to socialize much with people. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone. I would move in thought loops for hours at a stretch imagining how things will only move downhill now. I just wanted to stay in my room. I badly wanted my life to end. That would have been a respite from all that. It is very hard to explain what depression is to somebody who has never gone through it because unless they can somehow open up your mind and see the dark dirty Dungeon that’s there and see the living hell, the alive demons, the sleepless nights,the incessant crying that you have to go through every single day see how your existence is shaky and you no longer know who you are and see how you have actually given up on wanting to change your life or wanting to improve your life because you know that any effort you make any small step You take towards betterment will only end in gloom and you also know that this is not your negativity talking this is your numerous past experiences talking where you mustered some hope to take small step and fell so hard on the ground that your head banged on the floor and bled for hours( metaphorically speaking). Inner voice inside your head will say “who do you think you are, do you really think you can improve your life? You are a shit you’ll always remain a shit. You have no purpose no direction no focus and you are liar cheater a schemer.”
During my post-graduation only respite was that even if I wanted to I could not watch as much porn as before and my depressive tendencies were getting better now. I was able to focus a little on meditation, not much though. There was still watching pornography hiding in toilets, before and after class, before and after college bit it wasn’t as bad as before. I had nothing to do with it it was all sue to mandatory classes which I had to take.
After sometime life took an unexpected turn. There were some serious issues in my family for which I wanted to contact Swami ji because by now I knew a lot about him and had read some of his books. I wrote to the support team seeking a meeting with him and he agreed to that when I met him I only talked about that problem and nothing about the addiction due to shame. I didn’t expect this to happen but for next 3 months I did not watch pornography even for a single day I did not even feel like watching it. I don’t know what changed earlier I thought I must have done something Grand I must have made it happen somehow because of my ego I believed that. Truth is it was his presence alone even if I did not mention what my issue was he still healed that nevertheless. It was just his Grace and compassion . For the first three months after meeting I practiced my meditation with diligence but till 4th month I started to falter, I got undisciplined and lazy and fell back into my same patterns. The moment I broke that routine I started falling back into the same addiction patterns as well. Slowly it became same as before. Even though I was still a miserable I realised one thing now that it was in fact possible to get rid of it so I decided to make voluntary changes this time. I decided to take the matter in my own hands and decided to treat it consciously. It was a long drawn out process but it did work – more on that in the next post