It was a Saturday morning. We had a custom of going to temple every Saturday . My five year old son used to attend Damodar school there for 2 hours and I used to spent that time in temple either looking at Krishna Balrama idol or listening to discourses organized by temple. 

The discourse started and we all took our seat, and then they start explaining how Lord Krishna is the controller of the entire universe, how powerful he is, how he alone has created everything in the universe, how the entire beauty of all three worlds has culminated in him and my heart just melt listening and imagining the glory of Lord.

The discourse continued how He alone can grant all the desires and all the other gods derive power because Krishna grants him. Why you should only pray to him alone if you wish to attain the supreme. He can give you salvation as well as fulfilled all your worldly desires. This did not made sense to me and I raised my hand and asked: ” What if I do not want to fulfill all my desires, what if Lord has already fulfilled all your desires?”. I asked them what happens if someone pray to other gods. They said that it is wrong as they will not attain ultimate moksha? I further enquired, what is that ultimate moksha and what the people who pray to other gods will achieve. The priest was irritated by the question but he said that others who pray to other gods can achieve the Loka of those gods but they do not achieve the Vaikuntha Loka and above all lokas “Goloka”. I asked what if, they do not want Vaikuntha and Goloka. What if their heart wants to be with deity they Love. By now, I understood that I questioned too much. The priest said that all the other gods are dependent on Lord Krishna for their powers. He is Narayana, the refuge of all. Why would you like to pray to someone who is not independent on their own accord. You should pray to either any of vishnu tattvas or best, you should pray to Krishna alone. Who do you pray to? He asked, I said, I pray to supreme but as a form, Krishna’s form attracts me the most . Good, that’s very good. He said, Love Krishna with all your heart. The discourse continued for some more time but I lost my attention and the inner turmoil within me started. After sometime, the discourse ended,we all did HareKrishna chanting for sometime, did bhajan, sang for Krishna, danced for Krishna and had Prasadam. 

That day, something unusual happened and I was hurt.I cried in silence infront of Krishna a lot. I told him in my heart that I did not like what is being told here. I am not going to stop coming here as I love seeing you . I am not going to ask you to stop these discourses as I also understand that people might need this kind of assurance from the form they are praying to keep progressing in their path. I told him that I do not pray to him because he is the most powerful. I told him that for me, there is only one lord and all the forms are manifestation of the same Lord, and I see that Lord in you because it attracts me, I told him I do not want to love him for any reason, because love is unreasonable.

I asked for two boons : First, all these teaching should not fall into my ears even if I come to this temple, engage me in your service so that I get away from listening to this. Second, I want to be in a company of people who love divine for divine sake. I told him that I love singing for you, not out of fear rather love. Let this Love be love and do not make it a trade. I do not want to have a trade. I want to love you and be loved by you. 

Next week, when I entered temple, one of the mataji told that they need assistance in kitchen and I need to wash deity food utensils. She told me that it is a grace that you get to wash the utensil of Lord and I should do this work with complete reverence. I thanked mataji for the opportunity and smiled in my heart, that Lord has granted my first wish. going forward, every week, I used to get some Seva in either cutting vegetables or washing utensils.

Four months passed but I still do not have a company to sing Lord’s bhajan. Temple was very strict about chanting only mahantra. I loved him but my restless mind wanted to sing for him, not chant at that time. Holi was coming soon and one of my friend told me that there is braj group who organizes Braj Leela every year and they need a singer for singing braj bhajan. Would you be interested? I told her that I just sing casually and do not know music, so can’t sing in taal. She said they need it for chorus and I should try my luck. I went there and they welcomed me and was happy to include me in their singing choir. I was amazed to see that how come I got entry in a singing choir without knowing any knowledge of music. After the event was over, I asked them that why they included me in the group as I do not have a great voice. The lady told me that she liked my bhaava very much and she thought Lord Krishna will be happy to hear a bhajan sung with such a bhaava. Tears of joy came forth and understood that Lord has granted my second wish. I continued being a part of their choir and kept singing for Krishna until my stay in California.

Moral of the Story: Lord is all powerful and he has already shared all his powers with us, if we dive deep, we will be able to explore all of the gems, but 

                                  Lord is not to be loved for his powers, he needs to be loved for love’s sake, he needs to be love the way he loves us, without any reason.

                                 His Love is unreasonable for us and so should our love for him should be, unreasonable.

Jai Shree Hari 🙏🙏🙏

Namo Parvatipataye 😊😊😊

Har Har Mahadev 🙏🙏🙏